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http://www.myspace.com/moonlite4269

God, grant me the patience.

being that Daniel is my entire world, it's sometimes difficult for me to let him go for very long.  and unfortunately, his father and I have come to odds,  yet again.  if you look at it from outside the box, you see it as me setting a timeframe for daniel to be home, and he was home only an hour after that.  no big deal.  but inside the box, turns out my family wanted to get a jump start on our random sunday family outing that doesn't happen often, about an hour before that.  Daniel's father, after a series of phone calls and hanging up in mine and my brother's faces, not only kept him the entire time, but gave no specifics as to where he was located, nor any time as to when he'd be home.  i brought up the fact that i am the custodial guardian-- Daniel's father declined signing the birth certificate at the hospital, and also, Daniel has always resided with me, and for 85% of the time, i was his sole provider.  he said he wanted to see it in writing, (as it is stated on every child support paper that we've been served) as well as saying, "does that mean you get to control everything?  limit my time with my son? your family spending time with Daniel is more important than me?"

yes.  it does mean that i have primary control.  i'm not saying that he doesn't have a say, but still, I am the custodial guardian, and more importantly, the mother.  he had his oppurtunity to be there from the getgo, or even, from the time that we obtained the paternity test results--  but he didn't.  he is, forever, thinking i'm intentionally limiting his time with Daniel.  and i don't try to, nor intend to.  this particular situation-- he had daniel from 3:00 p.m. saturday, and overnight.  I asked that I could pick him up between 3 and 5.  that's more than plenty enough time.  i've also told him that he can see daniel any day during the week.  he's the one who hasn't taken the oppurtunity to do so.  third, my family will always be more important than him.  when i wasn't receiving child support and didn't have a car and was working my ass off til 2:00 a.m. 5 days a week-- they were the ones who supported Daniel and I.  my mom, dad, and brother were the ones who baby sat him.  they were the ones who made sure I had enough money to keep the bills paid when i ran short.  i'm not saying that brandon didn't do anything from october, when we received the paternity test results stating that he was in fact, Daniel's father, to May 13th, when I received the first garnishment check of $32, but still, all that he did do pales in comparison to them.  i know, i'm looking at it coldly.  and i probably always will.  still, it's not our fault that he made the choices he made.  it's not Daniel's fault that he's here.  but he is. and he needed to be, and still needs to be taken care of.  He didn't do that good of a job.  so I resent him.

still, after doing a bit of research, the establishment of child support does not establish visitation.  that is to be determined between the parents.  and if they don't agree, a court may have to interfere to settle it.  i don't mind daniel seeing his father.  but if i want him home at a certain time, whether he feels i'm limiting him or not, then he should be home.  i am his mother,  and i have the right.  what do you think?

things are getting better.

Daniel's father should have apologized.  but he didn't.  it's fine.  we came to terms.  inadvertantly.  it wa his little brother that did it.  for some rason, babies are peace makers.  we've been spending alot of time with them, actually.  it's so cute seeing Daniel look at his little brother and i say, "Do you see him?  Do you see?"  and he just, without no one saying a thing, leans over and kisses him on the forehead.  lol. 

at work, i am being promoted in the beginning of next year.  teller coordinator will be the official title.  wow.  i'm special.  it was ultimately what i wanted to do-- first i wanted to be a banker, but then, they sprung this idea on me.  HOLLA.  mo' money.  mo work too, but hey, we can twerk it.

james and i talked for five hours straight.  i told him virtually everything i'd been through from the time that things went bad with brandon and i up until that very day.  and he just listened.  we'll get back together, we will.  i was so stupid to get distracted and stop what we had going.  then again, i wasn't exactly ready.  i'm still not ready.  but i will be.  in the meantime, i'm getting back into church.  getting myself right with GOD.  or at least trying.  lol.  ah well. pray for me.  take care.

forever drama.

there is always, forever, drama, in my life.

so, my son's girlfirend called me nine times on monday.  i didn't answer.  cause i don't feel much like talking to her.  not that i hate her guts or anything, but,  because i've never been in the situation where my son's father has another child, and she's the mother.  i mean, i can understand why she was involved with Daniel when he was first born, considering that his father and she were secretly having sex unbeknownst to me, and then she makes him tell me months later.  Seeing as Daniel was his child, and she was all up in his shit, yeah, she's gonna be involved with Daniel.  however, her child has nothing to do with Diana.  I'm not saying that i don't like her baby or anything, because every child is a blessing to have.  but seriously, that baby ain't got nothing to do with me.  now, I won't deny Daniel has a little brother.  because he does, and it's apparant that his father wants to involve Daniel in the new baby's life.  But i'm not going to force the issue.  Nor encourage it. 

In the meanby, Daniel's father shows up at my apartment at 10:30 at night.  i open the door with a sleepy Daniel in arm, and face him.  He says he was just calling to check on Daniel, making sure he was okay while he's got his brother who's born.  He heard he was "too sick to go to his grandmother's this weekend," and wanted to check up on him.  I explained that he wasn't "sick," but had a bad rash and i decided to keep him home with me.  He then asked me why i didn't answer my phone.   I told him i'm not obligated to do so.  He then yelled at me, "yes you ARE obligated to pick up the phone when I call.  If I cut you a check each month, you are obligated to answer."

First of all, after receiving my cell phone bill for the month of July, and August, Brandon and I have only spoken to eachother directly a total of four times, excluding that "event" right there.  31 days in July, 30 days in August, (minus the remainder since it's not September yet) 57 days he could have called, four of which he actually did, or I called him.  Every other piece of communication-- Daniel's transportation, Daniel's general well being, Daniel's necessities, have gone through his girlfriend.  And it's not like I haven't made attempts to call him.  I have.  Either he doesn't answer, I get his voicemail, or his service is shut off.  Therefore, I don't see how it is that he's so upset at the fact that I declined picking up my phone when he never calls as it is anyways.  Second, of those nine phone calls that I received, only one voicemail was left, by her, stating that he had called prior, she was calling then.  He didn't give me any indication that it was actually he who was calling, so, how the hell does he have the right to get mad?

But I digress.  I could have answered, or called back, but as I stated, I didn't want to, and it being my phone and I'm the one who pays for it, I didn't have to.  As mentioned in the prior entry, there's caller ID and voicemail for a reason.

Moving onward, he then accused me of restricting his time with Daniel and setting limits.  At the moment, I couldn't think of any occasions where I did, but after sitting and looking at my calendar, I do understand where he came from on that one.  Now, I didn't actually sit there and say, "HMM, I'm going to limit my baby daddy's time with my baby today."  Everything was unintentional, but I do see where he received the idea that I was.  In defense, I told him i never said i did that, and his response was that my actions said so.  Then he accused me of wanting nothing but a paycheck, and told me he'd "fix" that.  I tried to go inside, cause it is Daniel's bedtime, and i say 'i'm not even going to respond to that."  he yells, 'GOOD, CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!"  and I told him he didn't have to yell, and he just blows up and says 'F&*K YOU! I'LL SEE HIM ON BIRTHDAYS AND CHRISTMAS, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT! F&*K YOU!!  bye."

now, i don't mind being yelled at or talked down to, or even cussed out.  But my baby, my child, was right there.  That is the most ultimate disrespect that he's ever done to date. and if was so careless as to lose his composure and express his anger in that manner in the presence of our child, how am I to continue to trust him with my baby thereafter? 

two-- regarding the "paycheck" of child support that i receive each month:  from the time that we obtained the paternity test results to the time that I received the first check, he didn't pay for a damn thing.  I'm not saying that he didn't do anything at all.  He did some things.  little things that i only asked of him because i knew that would be all he'd be willing to do.  But still, did he keep a roof over Daniel's head?  Did he keep gas on so we can have hot water?  Did he provided diapers, clothes, formula, wipes, and all those necessary things, on a regular basis?  No.  So yeah, i want that check.  I'm owed that check.  and besides, it was his suggestion to file for child support in the first place, because neither of us had the money to get an actual paternity test.  I even filled out the application with him on the phone.  he has no right to complain.

Nothing's become of this.  I was to pick Daniel up from his mothers this Saturday, but she was so kind as to neglect informing me that Brandon and she made arrangements for him to pick Daniel up, without my consent nor knowledge.   Brandon called me a few minutes later to say that he was, he "usually" does, (even though there's been a few times this summer that they didn't take him cause they were too busy,) and that he'd be picking him up Sunday as well. 

I hate it.  I hate everything.  Because of his behavior monday, I am extremely uncomfortable with Daniel even being around him.  I can't trust him, and he fo sho lost my respect.  I tried to make this easy for everybody, but it keeps getting harder. 

God--  I need you.

just because i don't answer the phone does NOT mean i'm mad.

it just means that i'm busy.  there's voicemail, you know.  created for the instances of when a person can't get the phone call.  like when your son has diarrhea and you're going on 9 hours of sleep for two days because you've been changing poopy diapers so much and making sure that his diaper rash is trying to heal up.  or last friday when james called me, i was at a wedding, and couldn't call him back until after i got home.  or yesterday afternoon when mike called me i was working.  both of which presumed i was angry at them.  neither has done nothing wrong.  i just didn't answer my phone, cause i was busy.  quit trippin.

other than that, Daniel has the most viscious diaper rash i've ever seen.  red, dry skin with open sores.    he fights me to change his diaper.  le sigh. 

my baby brother.  baby brother, mind you, is turning eighteen on wednesday.  e'rry body go wish him well.  peace up, raytown down.

by the way, i LIKE being single.